Part Four - Be a Leader

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

This is Dale Carnegie's summary of his book, from 1936

How to Build Confidence via Anchoring

Building Confidence via Anchoring

Anchoring is a way of drawing on past experiences in which you felt confident to help you cope better in the present. It's another powerful weapon in your confidence armory.

An anchor is any stimulus that consistently triggers an emotion. To use an anchor you have to:

* Generate in yourself the particular set of feelings you wish to recreate.
* Programme your subconscious to associate those feelings with specific words and gestures.
* Use those words and gestures to trigger the desired feelings when required.

Sportsmen and women use anchors continually. For example, tennis players bounce the ball repeatedly before serving to calm themselves; most runners go through an elaborate routine to centre themselves, much of which is not strictly necessary to the actual performance; and the mighty All Black rugby team go through a series of rituals before each match to intimidate the opposition and fire themselves up.

You constantly anchor feelings in the nervous system whether you like it or not, so why not learn to use this to your advantage? Using anchors you can feel calm and confident, or energized and confident whenever you wish.

* Choose an event you shortly have to face, when you need to remain calm, but you fear could bring on nervousness. Start working on your anchor a few weeks before the event. Get into the relaxed state and recall a time when you felt really calm and confident. Relive it in as much detail as possible. If you can't think of a suitable time just pretend to be confident. If you have a good imagination, your subconscious won't know the difference. When the feeling is strong, put your thumb and fingers together and gently whisper, 'Cool, calm and confident'. The stronger the feeling, the more successful will be your anchor. Affirm that every time you make this gesture and repeat these words, these same calm, confident feelings will return. This is called 'installing the anchor'.

* Just before the actual event you were rehearsing, and if necessary during it, take a deep breath, put your thumb and fingers together and repeat your chosen phrase silently or aloud. Say it with conviction. Allow the confident feelings to flow through you. This is called 'firing' the anchor.

* Alternatively, install an anchor when you experience good feelings as you go about your activities. This is effectively what athletes do when they raise their hands above their heads as they break the winning tape. If they were to do this repeatedly they would find that simply raising their hands above their heads would trigger those winning feelings.

* Practise anchoring every day until it comes easily to you. The more practice, the better.

How to Reinforce Self Esteem

Reinforcing Self Esteem

To enjoy a better life you must focus on your potential, not your limitations, and concentrate on what you do well. You must make the most of your natural aptitudes and abilities.

Of course everyone has weaknesses, and it takes courage to admit to them. But it can be equally harrowing to accept that we have our strengths and acknowledge that we have talents and personal qualities that others don't have.

This section is about your strengths and making better use of them. You'll discover you have many on which to build.

The world is full of unsuccessful people who have talent but lack confidence and tenacity, who feel that no matter how good they are at something, someone else is bound to be better. Don't be one of them.

* Head a page of your notebook 'My strengths'. Now write down all your good points, everything you like about yourself. For example, are you a good communicator? A good cook? A talented artist or musician? Good with numbers? Handy with tools or good at fixing things? A sympathetic listener? Don't hold back. Keep writing until you've thought of at least two dozen. Add to your list over the next few days whenever you think of a new strength.

* Write down this sentence: 'I like myself most when.' Quickly, without thinking about it too hard, write down the first thoughts that come into your head and add them to your list of strengths.

* List your strengths as your partner or best friend would see them.

* Go through your list of strengths, and for each consider:
- How can I make good/better use of this?
- How can I do or use more of this?
- How can I do/use it more often?
- Write your answers in your notebook. Think about them. You may wish to amend your goals in the light of these new insights.

* Make a list of personal qualities you wish to develop or acquire. Begin by making up affirmations that encapsulate the kind of person you wish to become. For example, 'Every day in every way I become more and more patient. ' Use your affirmations every day.

How to Build Self Esteem

Building Self Esteem

Some people think it's a sin to love yourself. They consider those who love themselves to be selfish, conceited and rather unpleasant. But they're mistaken. They confuse self-love with false pride and narcissism (being in love with yourself ) which is quite a different matter. Vanity and arrogance are usually a form of bravado engaged in by people who love themselves too little and are trying to cover it up.

If you don't love yourself you'll have no sense of self-worth, and no feeling of acceptance or belonging.

Furthermore, your capacity for loving others is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. You can't share anything you don't have. How can you truly love another if you don't feel worthy of giving and receiving love? Impossible.

The belief that you need to be different from how you are in order to be loved causes a great deal of misery. Unless you are happy within, you'll never be truly satisfied with what you do. Loving yourself unconditionally is the key to happiness. But you don't have to be perfect: the most loved person in the world makes mistakes! You don't even have to do your best. You don't have to prove anything. You're all right because you're all right, and lovable exactly as you are.

* Reflect on your attitude to loving yourself. Is it OK to love yourself? Or do you consider it sinful? Arrogant? Conceited? If so, from where does this attitude come?

* Write down this sentence: 'If only I were... then I'd be lovable.' Quickly, without thinking about it too hard, fill in the gap with whatever comes to mind. Examine what you've written. Does it really make sense?

* Regularly pamper yourself. Treat yourself to an occasional massage, aromatherapy, sauna, a long soak in the bath, reflexology, a manicure, whatever you fancy. Not only does it help recharge your batteries, but it also reminds you that you deserve the very best.

* Use these affirmations: 'I am worthy of all the good in my life.' 'I am open and accepting of myself and others.' 'I am loving, lovable and loved.' 'I feel warm and loving towards myself at all times.'

* Practice TFM - Time For Me. Make time for yourself every day, for relaxing, doing as you please, having fun. This sends a powerful message to the subconscious that you deserve it and you're worth it. Besides, if you don't make time for yourself, who else is going to make time for you?

How to Overcome Low Self Esteem

Overcoming Low Self Esteem

Your self-image began to take shape even before you left the cradle and was pretty well established by the time you reached the age of 8.

By then, on average, you had already received over 70,000 negative dictates: 'Don't do that', 'No you can't', 'Who do you think you are?' 'You'll never make anything of yourself,' and so on. Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating.

The means by which a person molds the behavior of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way.

Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever.

* The means by which a person molds the behavior of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way. Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever.

* When were your parents or guardians most proud of you? When were they least proud? How has this affected you? When (if they are still living) are they most proud of you nowadays? When are they least proud? How does this affect you today?

* Where did helping you to build your confidence and self-esteem rank on your parents' or guardians' list of priorities? Did they praise you often? Criticize constructively? Were they generous with their time? Or preoccupied with other things, like enforcing the house rules or pursuing their own interests? Make notes on how this affected you.

How to Develop Assertiveness Skills

Developing Assertiveness Skills

Even if you've never considered yourself to be assertive, mastering a few basic techniques soon starts to reap untold rewards.

* Decide to become more assertive.
* Think like an assertive person, and think of yourself as one.
* Imagine yourself behaving assertively and being treated accordingly.
* Act assertively. Start by taking small steps. Keep going until the uncomfortable feelings fade.
* Use these affirmations: 'I think, speak and act assertively at all times.' 'I used to be passive, but all that is changing. I am becoming more assertive every day.'
* Mentally rehearse potentially difficult situations. 'Imagine' and 'feel' yourself handling them assertively. 'See' others responding accordingly.
* Practice assertive non-verbals. Be aware of the non-verbal signals you give out:

1. Talk unhurriedly, with a clear, steady tone.
2. Make a habit of taking slightly more time to reply.
3. Give relaxed eye contact: not too much, not too little.
4. Avoid fidgeting, scratching, and touching your hair and face.

* Make your point clearly, with conviction, and don't waffle. Then shut up. If you don't succeed straight away, say it again, and if necessary keep repeating it. Change the wording if you wish, but not the message. Stay calm and don't allow yourself to be sidetracked.

* Sign up for an assertiveness course. Make sure it offers plenty of opportunity to practise with other people. If this is not possible, buy an eduactional video or set of audio tapes on assertiveness, and apply it!

How to gain Self Confidence

Gaining Self Confidence

As the greatest and wisest teachers have always taught, improving the quality of your thoughts improves your life almost immediately:

* The Bible quotes King Solomon: 'As a man thinketh, so shall he be.'
* The Buddhist text, The Dhammapada, states: 'We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.'
* The Greek philosopher Socrates said, 'To find yourself, think for yourself.'

When you think like a confident person, you automatically feel more confident and act more confidently. Positive thinkers are the happiest and most successful. Sometimes all it takes to change your life forever is a single thought!

Humans are not robots: you can intentionally choose how to think, and if you are serious about building your confidence you must start changing your thinking patterns without delay.

* When you think like a confident person you feel more confident and act more confidently, so commit yourself to taking charge of your thoughts. Write this sentence on a small card and repeat it to yourself, with conviction, several times a day: 'I am a positive thinker - I think and talk confidently at all times.'
* Consider: Are you a negative thinker? A killjoy? Do you find it difficult to think positively? Does your conversation often take on an air of doom and gloom? This awareness is critical to your wellbeing now and in the future, so be totally honest with yourself.
* Promise yourself that from now on you will never:
- Put yourself down.
- Say you can't.
- Say that what you want is impossible.
- Tell yourself that you are incapable of learning anything new.
* Practice making sentences which start with assertive statements such as 'I can', 'I am', 'I want', '1 do', and 'I choose'.

* 'Yes!' is one of the most powerful affirmations you can make. Say it often, with enthusiasm. Display it in big letters on your Wall of Confidence. Say it whenever a new opportunity comes your way. And - try this and notice the difference it makes - say it with relish when you face a difficult problem or challenge.

Self Motivation Techniques

Effective Self Motivation Techniques

Building confidence takes time, patience and effort. You will have to take a few risks. At times you will feel anxious. How can you motivate yourself to put up with the discomfort and persevere? We humans are motivated by:

* A want or need which induces tension. Only if these are unsatisfied can there be motivational power.
* Perceptions of 'pleasure' and 'pain'. We seek pleasure and are driven by a desire to avoid pain.
* Hopes and expectations that we can get what we want, and that everything will come right in the end.

The strongest motivation comes from a passionate desire for something pleasurable, coupled with the avoidance of pain.

The best way to motivate yourself is to set yourself some worthy goals, find plenty of reasons why you want to accomplish them, and keep in mind the consequences of failure - which is what you are about to do.

* Ask yourself, 'What am I trying to achieve by believing I lack confidence?' Write down the answers. A difficult one, this. You may have to be more honest with yourself than you're used to; but don't skip over it just because it makes you feel uncomfortable - your answers may illuminate and surprise you.

* Write down this sentence: 'If I had an excellent self-image and total confidence in my abilities, I would...' Write down whatever comes to mind.

* Take each item on your list and make it a firm goal. Write it in the form: 'My goal is to...' Commit yourself unreservedly to working towards these goals.

* Make yourself very comfortable, either sitting or lying down. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and allow your imagination to flow freely. Imagine you have accomplished the goals you set yourself. Visualize them coming true in every detail. How do you feel? When you open your eyes write down any thoughts that come into your head.

* Think of something you can do as a first step towards each, one action you can take to get the ball rolling - even if it's just making a short phone call or reading a relevant magazine article - and do it now. No exceptions, no excuses!

Self Confidence

How to Develop Self Confidence through Self Acceptance

Self-acceptance means acknowledging that you are as you are and being comfortable with it. It doesn't necessarily mean liking every aspect of yourself.

But bear in mind, self-acceptance does not mean giving up on yourself. If some disliked aspect of yourself is important and can be changed, do something about it. There's no point in feeling bad about something you can change, just as there's no point in feeling bad about something you can't!

* What aspects of yourself do you find most difficult to accept? Are there times or situations when you find it harder to be self-accepting than others? If you wish jot down what stops you giving yourself permission to be as you are.

* Use this affirmation: 'I accept my... and my... (the attributes you have underlined). This is me, and I'm wonderful, aren't I?'

* Do you ever feel that your best is never good enough? If you judge yourself as not good enough, no amount of achievement will ever satisfy you. Ask yourself: 'How realistic are the goals and standards I set myself?' There's a paradox here. There's nothing wrong with having high expectations of yourself: low expectations lead to under achievement. But impossible ones destroy your confidence.

* Write down this sentence: 'When I fail to live up to my expectations or fall below the standards I set myself, I tell myself...' Write down the first six thoughts that come into your head. Why are you so hard on yourself? You don't have to be perfect, you know.

* Stop comparing yourself with others. You'll always find people who are better than you at some things, and people who are worse. The only meaningful comparison is between you as you used to be, and you as you are now . No one is better than anyone else, just different. If you lapse into thinking 'I'm not as... (attractive/clever/athletic etc) as.', stop it. Tell yourself, 'I'm a wonderful, amazing being. I'm good enough, and I'm grateful for it.'